There are two “2” types of self-esteem: healthy self-esteem and unhealthy self-esteem. Quite often, these self-esteem types show up in relationships. We usually work on our self-esteem sometime in mid-life. It is part of our inner transformation and personal transformation process. It is also part of finding our true self. So, how do we build our self-esteem and improve our self-esteem? How do we build confidence? The first step is to look at the different types of self-esteem.
Healthy Self-Esteem
Healthy self-esteem comes from the inside out. It is when a person has essential self-worth and dignity for just being who they are; it is their birthright. A person must hold themselves warmly even with their imperfections. They can still feel okay even if they recently had behavior that they are not proud of. We all obtain our self-esteem and relationship behavior from our parents. We soak in our parents as children; this happens mostly unconsciously. Therefore, when we become adults, at some point we must do our inner work. This means identifying our unconscious patterns, becoming aware of these patterns, and making them conscious. Once we make them conscious, then we can do our inner work to change the patterns that do not benefit us. This increases emotional intimacy in relationships.
You can think of your self-esteem like your skeleton; it is your inner foundation. It is loving yourself anyway despite your behavior. We are all the same; we are all equal. We have worth simply because we are alive. It is not what you do; it is who you are.
We need to replace harsh inner talk (which comes from our inner child) with accountability and compassion (which comes from our functional adult). We self-medicate because we do not have a good relationship with ourselves. How many of us are harsh with ourselves? (between our ears; in our head). We relate our imperfections with harshness.
So, there is no redeeming value in harshness, including being harsh with ourselves. We can stand up to our harshness toward ourselves, as when we sometimes have to stand up to others’ harshness. We are usually passive with our own inner harshness, but we can be active and transform it. Again, the harsh part of ourselves is our inner child. Your inner critic is that child part of you. Treat it with empathy and firmness. So, “stop the harshness to yourself” (which takes time) and give warmth to yourself. Build your inner relationship muscle.
Unhealthy Self-Esteem
Unlike healthy self-esteem, unhealthy self-esteem comes from the outside in. We hold our self- esteem based on what happens to us from the outside vs. the inside. What causes low self-esteem?
There are three “3” forms of unhealthy self-esteem.
First, there is “performance-based” self-esteem. My worth is based on what “I do”. I work hard at my job, or I hit the tennis ball hard, or I perform well in bed, etc. This is a very fragile self-esteem tied to our ego. This is prevalent in emotionally unavailable men.
Second, my self-esteem may be based on my “attributes,” meaning it’s based on what “I have” or what “I own”. I have a big house, I have an expensive car, I have a great son, etc.
Lastly, unhealthy self-esteem can be based on “the Other”. Meaning my self-worth is based on what my partner, co-worker, friend, or family thinks of me vs. what I think of myself. This can be prevalent in toxic relationships.
It is important we start thinking about our self-esteem and do not ignore it. It is probably one of the most important aspects of ourselves. How do we hold ourselves warmly? How do we stay centered in our ever-changing world?